Happy- Saving Jane

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

the song speaks for me. a moment came where i thought i might have a shot. but why would i? I'm nothing special... and i sure don't have a personality. I wish that i could be confident.

A Beautiful Girl

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" or so its been said. But then what do I behold? I don't particularly think I'm pretty, though I've been told that I am. I don't see myself as being beautiful at all most days. On occasion I will think that I am. But in the end I don't see it.

Apparently other people do. But that's all they see. My personality doesn't strike them as appealing and they don't take the time to get to know me for who I am. All they see is a pretty face and it kinda stinks. I want someone to want to get to know me cause I'm funny, which I am believe it or not, or because I'm someone they could see being good friends with.

I don't want to be just a pretty face, sometimes I think would it be easier to be ugly? I mean then if people got to know me then it wouldn't be because I was pretty outside, but inside where it counts. But maybe because I'm so called Beautiful on the outside, I'm ugly on the inside.

I odn't know how to let my inner beauty shine... and sometimes I just need help, or a new friend... Someone that I can trust. I'm a shy person. Maybe you could be the one to help me open up again. Maybe you can help me shine...

But I'll probably never know.
I'm just a beautiful girl after all.

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Maybe I'm emo for liking Poe. But I do so deal.
It is a very good question though... IS all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream? sometimes i think it would be easier to find out that our lives were just a dream. But if it was i know i wouldn't want mine to be my escape from reality. What if one day you woke up and found out that this dream or life was like the falling dream. you always wake up before you hit the bottom. So you are in this dream until you are near death then you wake up one day and are 14 again and you can relive your life. But better you wouldn't make the same mistakes you would know what to avoid how to act and how to behave. But in reality we learn from our mistakes, yes? And without mistakes growth can not occur. Perhaps. SO life can't be a dream within a dream. But we can make up a dream with in a dream. I know i have one...

He may be eerie. but i like him. Thanks Poe for a fabulous poem. :D

i seem to post when i'm upset usually. I swear i really am a happier person mostly....

here... I'll post about some of my favorite things.

Sport-
Soccer. I absolutely love soccer. I was introduced to the game in 6th grade. I didn't know what I was doing i just went for it. You know during the good old days of recess. I'm decent at soccer you know, so i've been told. I've taught myself basically all i know. But I need some help. Heck I'm thinking about trying out for the soccer team for the heck of it who knows.

Pass Time-
Reading. Generally doesn't matter what book. If its not a textbook that is. I'll read it, and generally I'll Like it. I've read some strange books in my life time. I recently read one about a girl that committed suicide and left tapes for people who were a part of her decision. kinda creepy i know... but i still liked it... My favorite books have been The Leven Thumps series by Obert Skye, and The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini... I also enjoyed reading the Series of unfortunate Events by Lemmony Snickett. I got three every year for a while till i owned them all it was great, christmas my birthday, who knew when i'd get them.

Extra Curricular-
Marching Band. Who doesn't like marching on a feild with a uniform on? Not only do you get to sweat a lot, you get to love a lot too. Because of marching band I met my best friend. Because of marching band I felt important. Okay because of marching band I met most of my friends. Sure marching band is a lot of work and it can get tedious after a while but your sense of accomplishment after each so is worth it.

sleeping- no need for an explination.

Colors- Red and Yellow. Spicy and attractive. Plus they are so happy colors.

Favorites.
every one has them.
what are yours?

Falling from the top of the world into the pit of despair.

Welcome to life.

It happens to the best of us.

One moment can be one of pure bliss

and then you fall.

Some might call it bipolar.

I call it Kristen Santa Maria.

I Don't know whats wrong with me

but once I'm happy I have this nasty habit of plunging into the deep end

And I (literally) can not swim. Thus I drown.

I push people away from me.

Not intentionally... generally...

it just happens. And I feel like the world is just so hostile.

can i truly let myself be happy.

because I know my unhappiness is caused by myself

Sometimes I just want to jump off a cliff...

But i won't i'm scared of heights...

but if i did would someone catch me?

Who Do I Have?

If you have him... who do i have?

I need to feel again. Right now I'm just a black hole only taking in things.
I don't have an opinion. I didn't before but now its worse.
I use to say Fake it till you Feel it but now I know its Fake it till you Fake it better. For me anyway.

What is happiness if its forced half the time.
Or hope when you know the hoping will get you no where.
What is trust if you're scared to give it out
What is love if no one returns it. If no one wants it from you.

I'm going down.
and I don't know if I'll get back up.
if I'd even want to.

if anyone'd care.

Don't turn your back on me I already feel given up on.

The Promise
-Anberlin

If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will ...
I will...
I will...
I will

I know you're busy, and I'm a little needy girl who just strives for attention.
But you did promise. YOU PROMISED YOU"D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
I have proof too.

granted i may be annoying and i may be wishing for a fallen dream, but i just need someone.
Someone i trust and you're the last person i gave my entire trust too. The only one i tell everything to.
The only one i need. I just need a friend. but i can't find any as special as you, as blessed as you
and talented as you. You knew what i needed to hear when i needed to hear it you found me
you saved me. now save me again. I know it won't be the same but i still need a hero and you still fit the bill.

Please don't give up on me, don't leave me alone... I need you.... I love you... and with that i know its alone but i can't help it trust me i try to not i try so so so hard. I try for you.