Changed

Once upon a time a friend came up to me and asked "Are you okay?"
My response was "Yes, why?" They said something to the extent of' "You're smiling and you don't normally do that." The End

Okay this WAS true. I always looked at the bad things in life and rarely smiled.
But as of late I've been giving myself hope. Possibly false hope but hope none the less.
I really am a different person than I was a year ago. Even just a week ago.
I feel that I make myself who I am. I can make myself sick, or I can make myself a hero.
It all depends on my point of view and what I do with my life. I'm so grateful to wonderful friends who have supported me and honestly helped me to change who I am into a better person.
Sometimes people don't believe me but I wasn't the best person ever, I was even a lost soul with seemingly no where to turn to. But I was found and picked up and set in the right direction and now I feel as if I can carry on as if I can be me. Even if it's a slow process.

I can be happy if I let myself. I can have hope if I give it to me. I can Love life if I want to.

I have places to turn and I have people to talk to. I'm so thankful for that.

Avril Lavigne

Anything But Ordinary...

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turbulent, succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

{Dead} Cold Night..

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark,
I thought that you'd be here, by now.
Theres nothing but the rain,
no footsteps on the ground,
Im listening, but there's no sound.

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home.

Chorus:
It's a [dead] cold night,
Tryin' to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you.
I'm with you.

I'm lookin' for a place,
I'm searchin' for a face,
Is anybody here I know,
Cause' nothin's goin right,
And everything's a mess,
And no one likes to be alone.

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home.

Chorus:
It's a [dead] cold night,
Tryin' to figure out this life,
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new,
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
Ya eah

Oh, why is everything so confusing,
Maybe I'm just out of my mind,
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Chorus:
It's a [dead] cold night
Tryin to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but
I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
Don't know who you are but I,
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you

Keep Holding On...

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Sums it all up. Love these songs!

longing

I miss that quirky smile directed at me... I can't help but flood with emotions when in the same room. My heart races as my head throbs with longing. I miss hearing the laugh that fills up the room when I'd say something stupid. I miss seeing the sparkling eyes that would rest upon me with stern adoration. I miss feeling the warm embrace that I never want to be let out of. I don't miss the smell when you walk past me, simply because I can still savour it. That smell makes my world stop, my semi-non-functional brain freeze and not notice anything or anyone around. I can't think when I am engulfed by the presence in the room. My head spins and my mouth turns upward. Gradually my face brightens with a pink hue that tells me I'm so in love. I miss knowing that despite the ups and downs of my life I'd never be alone. In all I miss you and want so bad for you to come back. Patiently I must wait to see what is instore for me... truthfully I hope its you at the end of my dark tunnel of fear and life. The steps I take are in the direction of your pure countinence and joy that eminates off you and plants itself in my heart. I feel you in me and I know I will always love you... Even when I try to not, I can not, and sometimes fear I will not. But the fear is also hope and the hope is always there just as you are always on my mind. I'm longing for you to be with me, but I MUST wait, and i will.

More urban dictionary...

I searched a certain boy's name it said such.....

[He is] more than likely going to be one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. Very often he will be smart, and extremely good-looking. His smile will send a thousand rose-petals off the ground, just spinning around your heart. [He] tend[s] to be very trustworthy, but it takes a lot for [him] to trust another. He will always know exactly what to say to make you smile; flirty or true. He tends to be a big flirt, but when he finds a girl to settle down with, he will stop. [He] have a lot of friends, and are very good in sports. He will fall in love very fast, and truly. He wont lie to you. He'll do basically anything he can just to make his one-and-only happy, even if that means going to the extreme. Can often be clingy, but in a cute way. He will always be there for you in any time of need. If you don't have a [one] as a friend (or more) already, it's time you head off and get one! [He] obtains extreme ninja skills. Loves Blue. Puts other people before himself. An amazing guy. One of the best anyone could know. It is recommended you should meet him but then you might start liking him as much as other people do. when he dances he gets everyones attention because its unusually silly. Can have a big mouth sometimes but is fun to be around. [He] is smart and totally funny. He's cute but he'll never ever think he is. He has an amazing girlfriend and amazing friends. He's an amazing boyfriend, so girls, don't let [him] go. He's shy and quiet most of the time, but when he does talk to people, it's usually important.

... he go bye bye... but my hope still exists

Urban Dictionary

Kristen: –adjective

pronounced "kris-tuhn"

being of extreme beauty, class, and creativity.

also happens to be pretty rad.

Slang for "most awesome girl ever"

usually extremely beautiful. can surprise you at what she can do.

very outgoing. can be emotional at times, but mostly just wants to party!

An amazing person, not likely to ever leave your thoughts,

always to the be te only one on your mind . Incredibly beautiful,

nice, smart, caring, and all-around great . Her eyes gleem with

a radiance of a thousand stars, her lips draw you in, like magnets,

her love is like life, without it, you surely cannot live.

Very hott girl that you won't seem to every forget about,

amazing personality and great figure.

I don't Feel this way at all but it makes me smile and want to hope for me that it'll be good

Life is good life is great lets put it all in the hands of fate.

I may not act like it at all but I really love my life and am so thankful for hope and the strength to carry on

I love my friends and those beautiful enough to listen to me rant.

I love to be me as I'm discovering and I'm not a rag doll to be tossed around and damaged but still loved

can't i be loved whole for who i think i am?

Me, Behind Me

...A poem by me...

I'm waiting around for you to see
That you hold the key that's truly to me
I fear the moment I'll wake up alone
and listening to silence before you hang up the phone
falling away not knowing the truth
while I'm stuck in the midst of my dying youth

Fear is the thing I need to leave
find myself and truly believe
I can fly if i spread my wings
can't let my mind rest on the tings
that distract me from beint the me behind me

Looking around into the clearest space
afraid to say what i feel to your face
memories past swirl all around
as i struggle to keep my feet on the ground
swimming around in the fear to succeed
hoping that in my heart i won't bleed


Fear is the thing I need to leave
find myself and truly believe
I can fly if i spread my wings
can't let my mind rest on the tings
that distract me from beint the me behind me

I need to let it all out and find Me behind me...

LAKBLA!

So a heads up. I'm in a love hate relationship with my bass clarinet.
I have my days. I even wanted to perhaps learn a solo on it but by that time...
of course it was too late... anyway...

SOLO ENSEMBLE!
I played a flute solo called Tambourin by François Gossec.
I loved it and...
I GET TO GO TO REGION SOLO/ENSEMBLE!
Oh I had a nervous break down before I played but... my friends helped me through it
and i guess i sounded okay...
I'm mostly content. AND... Still living