Today I just wanted to look inside and pick apart my brain a little bit. I think it is good to do some introspective thinking every once in a while. So that is what I am going to do.
Mainly, I wanted to focus on my wants, the things that I desire in this life and what I want to accomplish. This is something that is interesting to me because although I have particular mindset, or desired mindset, right now, I've come to realize that it isn't how I really feel deep down in the long run, but I'll get to that.
I had a friend ask me the other day where I saw myself in 5 years. I said the fairly generic things, or the things that were expected of me to say. But he asked me for more specifics like where do you want to live, what do you want to be doing with your life and so I thought about it. But right now I want to talk about where I currently see myself and where I hope to be.
Looking at just where I am today at this very moment, in all honesty I'm exhausted, I feel like I give and I give and I give, but I very rarely receive. I've realized that while this is true, it's also hard for me to receive. I know that if I were on the receiving end of some of the things that I do for others that it would make me feel slightly bad or uncomfortable, but what I don't know is why that is. I find it perfectly okay for me to treat myself and other people but it's not as easy for me to allow others to do the same exact thing FOR me. I'm not sure why that is, but it is... I told my coworker the other day that I was going to go shopping alone, to which his response was "Who goes shopping alone!" and I very blatantly said, "I do, cause if I don't chances are I'm going to buy a things for other people and not myself." I really do love to give, but as I've been told, you can't give from an empty cup. But unfortunately I haven't quite figured out how to fill my own cup. That's the journey I'm currently on. Rather, I think I know what I need to do, but it's the taking the time for myself to do them FOR ME, that's the hard part, I think it's easier for me to give my free time to other people, and that's part of why I've been so drained this past week. I've been striving to live 100% authentically as who I really am, and it's been helping a lot, but as I said, I'm not giving myself time to do things for me.
Right now I tell myself that I'm afraid of love, that I don't believe it exists, that there's no way that I'll ever get married. I tell myself it's easier and better to give up than to allow myself to get hurt again. Right now I'm a skeptic when it comes to that aspect of my life. But I know that deep down inside I know that it's ridiculous, I know that I'm a hopeless romantic and have a slew of goals for love, and life. But that scares me, incredibly.
Right now, I'm a senior in college in what will ideally be my last semester working towards my bachelors degree in Criminal Justice. I'm not the best student and in fact I've fallen quite behind in my classes already, but I think the important thing is I am trying and I am planning on catching back up and taking this bull by the horns. I plan on coming out on top.
Right now, I stop myself from doing things that I want to do. Or at least I have before, honestly, I think I've realized how empowering doing things alone really is. The me that is typing this, is challenging herself more than ever before to be fine doing things alone, or even just doing things that she'd never imagine doing before. This past bit I went to the movies alone, and it was incredible! I didn't realize how amazing it would be in all reality. As mentioned above I've gone shopping alone, I also went to get my nails done alone. It really is incredible how it feels to do these things alone. I really need to stop waiting on people to do something that I really want to do. I also need to realize that it's okay to hold my time precious and tell people that I can't do something. This is part of the self care that I need. I know for a fact that I'm an introvert, but I often times will even find my introverted self striving to have at least one other person with me... I really need to be fine with being just with me. And that's where I'm going.
Now, for where I want to be in 5 years.... Honestly, this isn't gonna be as eloquent or explained as me now, cause lets be real my ESP isn't that good! Anyway...
I want to be married, I even want to maybe have a kid or two. I don't want anymore than 3 kids though, I mean if it happened that's fine, but my ideal would be 3, seems like a manageable number. I find it ironic that I say I want to be married because of my current feelings about love and relationships, but deep down inside I still crave love and connection. I think there's a lot of potential for that, but it does require me to be vulnerable and that's intimidating.
I'll be graduated with my CJ degree. With that, I want to be a detective. The goal is to be a police officer in approximately a year, and I hope that 5 is enough to become a detective. I just really want to be able to help people find closure.
I want to have a close relationship with my children and really just strive to be happy. I wouldn't mind still being in Utah as long as I'm with my family, honestly where I live doesn't matter as much to me, but what does matter to me is THAT I live. Meaning I'm not just going through the motions but that I'm actually striving to live, and getting the most out of life.
There was a time where everything was blurred and I stopped getting pleasure out of the things I was supposed to love. Now is my time to take it all back to fight the good fight which is this life, and to enjoy every moment.
I'm tired of waiting, so I will take control.
