I've officially decided to give up on the 30 days of me. Being the kind of person I am, it turned out to be impossible. Besides, I don't even know if anyone reads this. In all reality it doesn't matter, I come here to let things out to let things go, and if it goes into the internet void, who knows maybe it'll reach someone else that needs to hear it. We never know the impact that we can have on others, especially with the technological advancements of our age.
Today I wanted to talk about my biggest fears. And not just the things like spiders, and heights, but real things. Sometimes, I am absolutely floored by fear, and I get angry and frustrated at this. I feel like maybe this is a natural human reaction, we are built with fight or flight, so they say, but I think there's a third one, freeze. To explain what I mean by freeze I'll use two examples of the small fears I already shared with you. First spiders, now I know a majority of the time I am much larger than a spider, and that they really don't do too much harm. However when I see a spider, no matter where it is, I freeze and just stare at it wide eyed. I think, "If I blink it will move, if I go to kill it it will attack," so I just sit there, occasionally I can push past this, force myself to grab a shoe and strike to kill. But typically I just freeze, and call for someone else to handle my problem. But in the wise words of Eddie Murphy in "The Haunted Mansion", "You've got to learn to wack your own spiders Michael!" I'll get there eventually, but right now I kinda still freeze.
The next example I want to use is with heights, I get so nervous with heights. Starting about 6 months ago, I have been learning to rock climb with my best friend and his buddies. The first time I went, I was a little scared but I was in a place of happiness and hope at the time, so it wasn't too bad. I started little, we went fairly often, and I was learning to improve. After a short hiatus, I tried doing it again and got about half way up a V0 (if you're wondering... those are supposed to be the easiest to climb) and started having a small panic attack, I wanted to freeze. And I did for a moment, but I could feel my muscles giving out and it was either keep going forward or let go and fall at least 7 feet to the padded ground. I didn't know what to do, but I pushed myself to keep going up and I did make it to the top. Once on the top my heart was still pounding and my head was still spinning with the fear that caused me to want to freeze, but I had done it. I reached the top. Part of me feels that this time was harder because I was letting a dark part of myself into my head. I was having these sad, negative downward spirals of fear dictate what I was doing, where as the first time I went I had hope in a brighter future, this last time I went I was fearing for the worst, and allowing that to overcome me. Fear changes me in a way that isn't good for me, or for those around me.
But onto the more deep fears, that I don't like to talk about.
I think my number one fear in all honesty is love, as ridiculous as that might sound. Me and love have a Love/Hate relationship. I have felt so desperately that I want love, but I feel like every time I get love, I shut down and let that fear swallow me again, and I slowly begin to close myself off to the person intentionally let in. I guess with that, it might not be love that I'm scared of, maybe what I'm really scared of is true vulnerability. CS Lewis said,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
And that's where it begins. With my most recent relationship, I was in a spot of vulnerability at the beginning. In all actuality I started talking to my now best friend under poor circumstances, I had recently been broken up with, and I was alone and afraid of myself, the demons that live inside of me. I wanted someone to be friends with, and for some reason, I was able to open up to him about my thoughts, feelings and despair. Hell, he helped me forget about all the issues that I had. I also had a stomach bacteria call H. Pylori, and let me tell you it is very unpleasant, I could hardly keep anything down, or in. One night we were just hanging out and I felt like I couldn't breathe and needed to go to the restroom, so for the first time I asked where his bathroom was (Even though I had been hanging out with him for weeks), and when I got there I barfed, I did not see that one coming. I decided in that moment that I wasn't going to say anything to him, because I was so embarrassed and it was near the beginning of our friendship and I didn't want to scare him. And I held out for a while, we went over to the nearby Smith's and bought some drinks, I picked up an orange Gatorade or something. But he asked me how my breathing was holding up when we got back to the house and I ended up telling him that I didn't know how I was doing because I threw up. And I told him that was why I bought myself a Gatorade, he looked at it and told me that sometimes red food dye can mess with people's stomachs so I shouldn't be drinking that one. Then instead of kicking me out or anything, he went down to his room and grabbed me a different Gatorade. It was honestly the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. And it really impressed me and I was incredibly intrigued by it. Now as I mentioned I was only looking for friends, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't begin to feel something more for him after this experience. In the beginning I didn't let my fear swallow my words and I was open and honest about everything.
It was about this time that I realized that there were struggles from my past that I have never fully dealt with. And I decided that I needed more help than I was allowing myself to get. So, I decided to go to therapy and I did, but I never felt like I truly allowed myself to open up like I initially intended. I lied about my progress to myself and my therapist because my demons started falling back asleep. My therapist and I decided that for now I would be okay on my own and that I didn't need to continue my sessions, I agreed because I was sick of needing to go. I thought I was fine because my monsters were dormant, at least for a while. But because I didn't take care of them properly, they began to resurface again and that girl that was allowing her self to be vulnerable started to doubt and to let fear again take control. When I let the fear take over and I start to build walls, I become quiet, anxious, depressed, and irritable. Any little doubt can become a full blown panic attack. I feel like when I'm in these modes I forget what it's like to be a normal person and a normal friend. I begin to be jealous and insecure about the other persons friendships and the things that they are saying to me. But it was because I was associating past memories with current circumstances. I began to label the man that I was learning about and loving, like all the other boys in my past. Just because they hurt me, took advantage of me, and left me on the corner alone and broken, I was scared that it would happen again. I forgot that he was different, I knew he actually cared but I wasn't allowing that memory to be at the forefront of my brain. Before my demons reawakened I was asked to be his wife and I was so excited for this, but then I started losing myself again. When I lost myself I started losing him, or at least that's what I see now.
Fear has been the cause of all my troubles. I am no longer engaged, and it hurts so much. But I'm learning to understand that I can improve myself. I did something really scary today. I admitted to myself that I can't do it on my own, not only am I choosing to go back to therapy but I went to the doctor today to talk about the darkness that I've been feeling inside me, and the hopelessness that has stemmed from it. I feel I am taking the steps necessary to improve myself and get prepared better for marriage and supporting a family. It was hard because, while I've always been an advocate for other people getting help and taking medicine to help with their burdens, if necessary, I've never wanted to be the one to get on medications. Often when you go into the doctor for check ups or routine physicals they give you a questionnaire to check on your mental stability, I feel like I have always lied on these, so today's self introspection and reaching out was a big thing for me, I strove so hard to tell the truth and to get the help that I need. As I was sitting in the waiting room, my breath was short, and my hands were shaking and I was fighting back tears, it proved to me to a degree that I really needed the help. And it's okay to need that help, that's what I just need to keep telling myself.
Now I know that I have depression and anxiety, before I always figured that I did because a lot of my family had it, and I felt like I exhibited some of the same signs. I wanted to believe that I was stronger than it, better on my own. Having this thought has caused me a lot of unnecessary pain. I think we all do things that don't necessarily help us out appropriately. I was scared to be diagnosed because I feel like there was a negative stigma, and while I supported and loved my friends that also struggle with anxiety and depression, I didn't want to be labeled. But in reality, I am not my problems. Life can't be all rainbows and butterflies, but there are steps that we can take to assure that it is more rainbows and butterflies than spiders and heights. FDR said that the "only thing we have to fear is fear itself." I think its true, fear makes us do things we never imagined that we could or would do. It's broken a big part of my life, and all I can do is take steps to remedy it.
As I was writing this post I thought of a song by Disturbed called "Reason to Fight." The chorus was really speaking to me because it says,
"I won't give up, so don't give in
You've fallen down, but you can rise again
So don't give up
When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin
And it feels like it's a battle that you will never win
When you're aching for the fire and begging for your sin
When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight"
When I first heard this song, I thought a lot about how I just want to be someone's reason to fight and that no matter what is going on I want to be there to love and support people. Specifically my best friend. But really anyone, I only recently started to think of it in terms of my own depression and fear. The band said it so beautifully and eloquently on their website. They said,
"Our world is plagued by an epidemic. By a disease that shows no mercy. The demons known as addiction and depression are very real, and they have claimed far too many of those we love, far sooner than they should have left us. Those still with us, are fighting a battle they wage every day of their lives, Keeping those DEMONS at bay. It's up to us to show them that they aren't alone, that they have nothing to be ashamed of, that we understand, and that we will fight with them, and for them. For those you know, who are waging this internal war, the time to be a TRUE friend and advocate, and to INTERVENE, is now. To hesitate, is to lose a chance to save them you may never get again."
It's okay to struggle. I needed to realize that. I hope that I can continue to improve and feel strength. I want to be vulnerable again and let my friend back in appropriately, and leave down the walls that want to block him and others out. As long as I start to push aside the fear I can ultimately be okay. We all can be okay if we take our fear by the horns and force it into submission. I know that I can't change the past, but I can talk it out and I can come to grips with it, and truly trust those that want what's good for me. I promise to put my faith in God, and know that whatever comes my way can be overcome through perseverance. I know that everything will turn out alright. And I want you to know that I am always willing to fight for you. Anyone, I won't give up on you. Ever.
"Are you ready to begin?
This is a battle that we are gonna win"
This is a battle that we are gonna win"
