Revisiting 30 Days of Me: Unlucky Day 13

As you can obviously tell it's been a really long time since I have written on my blog. Honestly I kinda got stuck on day 13 because it told me to share/write a letter to someone that had recently hurt me and I didn't, at the time, have anyone to write the letter to. I'm going to take this in a little bit of a different direction than most people would think or choose. I'm going to write this letter to myself.

Dear Lolovivi,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been needlessly holding on to mistakes of the past. Because of this hoarding of past pain you have caused yourself to push many people away and out of your life. This self destructive behavior needs to stop. Not only does it hurt you but it hurts those around you that are trying to care for you and love you.

For the past 10 years you have struggled with the need to be loved by somebody else that you never truly found time to love yourself. The "love" that you did find has caused your brain to malfunction, it makes you wonder if "Love" really can exist... You constantly have worried that you are not good enough, pretty enough, talented enough or loved enough that you eventually end up being what you fear, alone.

If there is one thing I want you to know, it's that you need to stop lying to yourself. Lying to yourself leads to lying to others about your secret desires. And heaven forbid, lying about the love that you have in your heart. You spend so much of your life acting like a hater that people start to believe that's what you are. You don't need to be tough for the world. It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to love and it's okay to let people into your heart, because when you don't, they stop trying.

I want you to know that  you certainly don't have to do it alone. Now I know you never wanted the stigma of needing anyone's help but it's okay to need help. You wouldn't expect yourself to stop yourself from drowning when you don't even know how to swim. There are life guards on duty for a reason. Just like you need a life guard at the pool, you need a life guard for your mind. Everything that you've kept in has been weighing you down and slowly the water is coming up over your head and you need to be willing to let go.

Letting go... I know that's something that has been hard for you. You recently let go of something that you were convinced you'd never release. But letting go is different than giving up, giving up is an end, letting go is a new beginning. Right now you feel as if that new beginning is too late. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

You've truly hurt me, Lolovivi. My heart hurts and yearns for love that was lost, but mostly it yearns for a love that is seldom there. You need to love yourself. But as much as you've hurt me recently, I am so proud of you. I'm proud of the steps you're taking, the journey you're starting and hopefully by the end you'll be able to find what you're looking for. You don't need to fill the void with others, you need to fill the void yourself.

Realizations hurt. There have been times when you were told to pray and you didn't, you left God out of the most important things in your life. You pointlessly held on to your denial that the most precious thing to you shattered. Unfortunately you were too caught up in holding on to other objects that you didn't realize what you had.

Now is the time to turn yourself over to God. To let him heal you. One of my favorite quotes you heard on the mission was, "God wants to be able to heal your broken heart, but first you must be willing to give him all of the pieces." Stop giving him 90% of the pain and hand him the other 10% so that he truly can put you back together.

You really need to stop hurting yourself like you have. Only then will you truly be happy, only then will you really be whole, and hopefully someday you will. I care for you, I want to help you heal.  Right now I can't tell you that I love you, but someday I will. I'm not eloquent with my words and I apologize for the jumbled mess. I pray that you'll remember what your name means.

Lolovivi: there is always love. "For God is Love" You are never truly alone, God is on your side and He loves you more than you can even comprehend. We could learn a thing or two from Him.

With Sincere Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow,

Me