Self Sabotaging

Hello internet world. It's me again. Sometimes writing out my thoughts helps me. Today I wanted to talk about my self sabotaging tendencies.

As far as I can remember I have been in love with the concept of love. Maybe that's my problem, I'm a hopeless romantic that has little to no hope that true love, or romantic love can exist.

Now, this has come about from many different experiences that I've had in my life. The first boy I ever "dated" was when I was 14 years old. My 14 year old brain was convinced that we were going to get married and we actually even talked about it a little. We only kissed once and then decided that we should wait till we were a little older, later, he started avoiding me and just stopped talking to me. I remember one time that I was trying to get him to talk to me and he wouldn't. I ended up crying outside his bus and  he finally talked to me. I don't remember what he said to me but I remember just feeling so broken inside. I no longer mattered to this person.

This is a feeling that I hated so much, but it happens all to frequently to me.

This was just one experience. I have more but they don't matter. The point of this post is to admit my self sabotaging behaviors and just express my frustrations because of them.

Anyway, I have this problem where I'm so scared of being abandoned that I put up walls. Kinda like I talked about in my last post, I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with people. Not even when I was intentionally going to therapy for help with these problems.

Basically, when I get in a relationship, I'm ecstatic, elated even. But then I remember how many times I've been broken that I unintentionally push people away. I feel like I've fought for so long to keep love, that it's getting to a point where I'm sick of it. Why should I struggle so hard to keep something that isn't freely given?

I'm so scared to be alone, that ultimately, that's what I end up being... I can't blame anyone for not wanting me around. My longest "relationship", was with a person that wouldn't even admit that we were dating. And even then, I had to fight way too hard for that.

I think part of my problem is that I'm so needy. I love being around someone, when I care about them, I want to be around them no matter what we are doing. I'm perfectly content just sitting with them, and being with them, anything to not be alone. But it gets exhausting for those that are around me, they get sick of me so quickly.

And it's probably because I build all of those walls. I have a fortress that no one can breach. And that's not a good thing. But I don't know how to break it down. I don't know how to be vulnerable and because I'm so afraid of losing people, it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.

Right now I'm at a place where I feel like I'm done with love. I have always wanted to be in love, to get married and have my own family some day. But, I'm done trying because all that ends up happening is me getting hurt. It seems that no one can love me for more than 6 months at a time, there is literally no way that anyone would be able to love me forever.

So not having love has never been my choice. This time it definitely is the last thing that I wanted. I was so excited for the life that I was planning. And all though it hurts and I'm upset, and I want love more than anything, if I'm going to be alone, at least this time it will be my choice. I'm not going to seek out love, I don't care anymore... I'm unlovable, because I self sabotage, and I don't let people in.