Knowing Yourself is the Beginning of all Wisdom -Aristotle

Today I just wanted to look inside and pick apart my brain a little bit. I think it is good to do some introspective thinking every once in a while. So that is what I am going to do.

Mainly, I wanted to focus on my wants, the things that I desire in this life and what I want to accomplish. This is something that is interesting to me because although I have particular mindset, or desired mindset, right now, I've come to realize that it isn't how I really feel deep down in the long run, but I'll get to that.

I had a friend ask me the other day where I saw myself in 5 years. I said the fairly generic things, or the things that were expected of me to say. But he asked me for more specifics like where do you want to live, what do you want to be doing with your life and so I thought about it. But right now I want to talk about where I currently see myself and where I hope to be.

Looking at just where I am today at this very moment, in all honesty I'm exhausted, I feel like I give and I give and I give, but I very rarely receive. I've realized that while this is true, it's also hard for me to receive. I know that if I were on the receiving end of some of the things that I do for others that it would make me feel slightly bad or uncomfortable, but what I don't know is why that is. I find it perfectly okay for me to treat myself and other people but it's not as easy for me to allow others to do the same exact thing FOR me. I'm not sure why that is, but it is... I told my coworker the other day that I was going to go shopping alone, to which his response was "Who goes shopping alone!" and I very blatantly said, "I do, cause if I don't chances are I'm going to buy a things for other people and not myself." I really do love to give, but as I've been told, you can't give from an empty cup. But unfortunately I haven't quite figured out how to fill my own cup. That's the journey I'm currently on. Rather, I think I know what I need to do, but it's the taking the time for myself to do them FOR ME, that's the hard part, I think it's easier for me to give my free time to other people, and that's part of  why I've been so drained this past week. I've been striving to live 100% authentically as who I really am, and it's been helping a lot, but as I said, I'm not giving myself time to do things for me.

Right now I tell myself that I'm afraid of love, that I don't believe it exists, that there's no way that I'll ever get married. I tell myself it's easier and better to give up than to allow myself to get hurt again. Right now I'm a skeptic when it comes to that aspect of my life. But I know that deep down inside I know that it's ridiculous, I know that I'm a hopeless romantic and have a slew of goals for love, and life. But that scares me, incredibly.

Right now, I'm a senior in college in what will ideally be my last semester working towards my bachelors degree in Criminal Justice. I'm not the best student and in fact I've fallen quite behind in my classes already, but I think the important thing is I am trying and I am planning on catching back up and taking this bull by the horns. I plan on coming out on top.

Right now, I stop myself from doing things that I want to do. Or at least I have before, honestly, I think I've realized how empowering doing things alone really is. The me that is typing this, is challenging herself more than ever before to be fine doing things alone, or even just doing things that she'd never imagine doing before. This past bit I went to the movies alone, and it was incredible! I didn't realize how amazing it would be in all reality. As mentioned above I've gone shopping alone, I also went to get my nails done alone. It really is incredible how it feels to do these things alone. I really need to stop waiting on people to do something that I really want to do. I also need to realize that it's okay to hold my time precious and tell people that I can't do something. This is part of the self care that I need. I know for a fact that I'm an introvert, but I often times will even find my introverted self striving to have at least one other person with me... I really need to be fine with being just with me. And that's where I'm going.

Now, for where I want to be in 5 years.... Honestly, this isn't gonna be as eloquent or explained as me now, cause lets be real my ESP isn't that good! Anyway...

I want to be married, I even want to maybe have a kid or two. I don't want anymore than 3 kids though, I mean if it happened that's fine, but my ideal would be 3, seems like a manageable number. I find it ironic that I say I want to be married because of my current feelings about love and relationships, but deep down inside I still crave love and connection. I think there's a lot of potential for that, but it does require me to be vulnerable and that's intimidating.

I'll be graduated with my CJ degree. With that, I want to be a detective. The goal is to be a police officer in approximately a year, and I hope that 5 is enough to become a detective. I just really want to be able to help people find closure.

I want to have a close relationship with my children and really just strive to be happy. I wouldn't mind still being in Utah as long as I'm with my family, honestly where I live doesn't matter as much to me, but what does matter to me is THAT I live. Meaning I'm not just going through the motions but that I'm actually striving to live, and getting the most out of life.

There was a time where everything was blurred and I stopped getting pleasure out of the things I was supposed to love. Now is my time to take it all back to fight the good fight which is this life, and to enjoy every moment.

I'm tired of waiting, so I will take control.

Self Sabotaging

Hello internet world. It's me again. Sometimes writing out my thoughts helps me. Today I wanted to talk about my self sabotaging tendencies.

As far as I can remember I have been in love with the concept of love. Maybe that's my problem, I'm a hopeless romantic that has little to no hope that true love, or romantic love can exist.

Now, this has come about from many different experiences that I've had in my life. The first boy I ever "dated" was when I was 14 years old. My 14 year old brain was convinced that we were going to get married and we actually even talked about it a little. We only kissed once and then decided that we should wait till we were a little older, later, he started avoiding me and just stopped talking to me. I remember one time that I was trying to get him to talk to me and he wouldn't. I ended up crying outside his bus and  he finally talked to me. I don't remember what he said to me but I remember just feeling so broken inside. I no longer mattered to this person.

This is a feeling that I hated so much, but it happens all to frequently to me.

This was just one experience. I have more but they don't matter. The point of this post is to admit my self sabotaging behaviors and just express my frustrations because of them.

Anyway, I have this problem where I'm so scared of being abandoned that I put up walls. Kinda like I talked about in my last post, I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with people. Not even when I was intentionally going to therapy for help with these problems.

Basically, when I get in a relationship, I'm ecstatic, elated even. But then I remember how many times I've been broken that I unintentionally push people away. I feel like I've fought for so long to keep love, that it's getting to a point where I'm sick of it. Why should I struggle so hard to keep something that isn't freely given?

I'm so scared to be alone, that ultimately, that's what I end up being... I can't blame anyone for not wanting me around. My longest "relationship", was with a person that wouldn't even admit that we were dating. And even then, I had to fight way too hard for that.

I think part of my problem is that I'm so needy. I love being around someone, when I care about them, I want to be around them no matter what we are doing. I'm perfectly content just sitting with them, and being with them, anything to not be alone. But it gets exhausting for those that are around me, they get sick of me so quickly.

And it's probably because I build all of those walls. I have a fortress that no one can breach. And that's not a good thing. But I don't know how to break it down. I don't know how to be vulnerable and because I'm so afraid of losing people, it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.

Right now I'm at a place where I feel like I'm done with love. I have always wanted to be in love, to get married and have my own family some day. But, I'm done trying because all that ends up happening is me getting hurt. It seems that no one can love me for more than 6 months at a time, there is literally no way that anyone would be able to love me forever.

So not having love has never been my choice. This time it definitely is the last thing that I wanted. I was so excited for the life that I was planning. And all though it hurts and I'm upset, and I want love more than anything, if I'm going to be alone, at least this time it will be my choice. I'm not going to seek out love, I don't care anymore... I'm unlovable, because I self sabotage, and I don't let people in.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” -FDR

Hello world,

I've officially decided to give up on the 30 days of me. Being the kind of person I am, it turned out to be impossible. Besides, I don't even know if anyone reads this. In all reality it doesn't matter, I come here to let things out to let things go, and if it goes into the internet void, who knows maybe it'll reach someone else that needs to hear it. We never know the impact that we can have on others, especially with the technological advancements of our age.

Today I wanted to talk about my biggest fears. And not just the things like spiders, and heights, but real things. Sometimes, I am absolutely floored by fear, and I get angry and frustrated at this. I feel like maybe this is a natural human reaction, we are built with fight or flight, so they say, but I think there's a third one, freeze. To explain what I mean by freeze I'll use two examples of the small fears I already shared with you. First spiders, now I know a majority of the time I am much larger than a spider, and that they really don't do too much harm. However when I see a spider, no matter where it is, I freeze and just stare at it wide eyed. I think, "If I blink it will move, if I go to kill it it will attack," so I just sit there, occasionally I can push past this, force myself to grab a shoe and strike to kill. But typically I just freeze, and call for someone else to handle my problem. But in the wise words of Eddie Murphy in "The Haunted Mansion", "You've got to learn to wack your own spiders Michael!" I'll get there eventually, but right now I kinda still freeze.

The next example I want to use is with heights, I get so nervous with heights. Starting about 6 months ago, I have been learning to rock climb with my best friend and his buddies. The first time I went, I was a little scared but I was in a place of happiness and hope at the time, so it wasn't too bad. I started little, we went fairly often, and I was learning to improve. After a short hiatus, I tried doing it again and got about half way up a V0 (if you're wondering... those are supposed to be the easiest to climb) and  started having a small panic attack, I wanted to freeze. And I did for a moment, but I could feel my muscles giving out and it was either keep going forward or let go and fall at least 7 feet to the padded ground. I didn't know what to do, but I pushed myself to keep going up and I did make it to the top. Once on the top my heart was still pounding and my head was still spinning with the fear that caused me to want to freeze, but I had done it. I reached the top. Part of me feels that this time was harder because I was letting a dark part of myself into my head. I was having these sad, negative downward spirals of fear dictate what I was doing, where as the first time I went I had hope in a brighter future, this last time I went I was fearing for the worst, and allowing that to overcome me. Fear changes me in a way that isn't good for me, or for those around me.

But onto the more deep fears, that I don't like to talk about.

I think my number one fear in all honesty is love, as ridiculous as that might sound. Me and love have a Love/Hate relationship. I have felt so desperately that I want love, but I feel like every time I get love, I shut down and let that fear swallow me again, and I slowly begin to close myself off to the person intentionally let in. I guess with that, it might not be love that I'm scared of, maybe what I'm really scared of is true vulnerability. CS Lewis said,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

And that's where it begins. With my most recent relationship, I was in a spot of vulnerability at the beginning. In all actuality I started talking to my now best friend under poor circumstances, I had recently been broken up with, and I was alone and afraid of myself, the demons that live inside of me. I wanted someone to be friends with, and for some reason, I was able to open up to him about my thoughts, feelings and despair. Hell, he helped me forget about all the issues that I had. I also had a stomach bacteria call H. Pylori, and let me tell you it is very unpleasant, I could hardly keep anything down, or in. One night we were just hanging out and I felt like I couldn't breathe and needed to go to the restroom, so for the first time I asked where his bathroom was (Even though I had been hanging out with him for weeks), and when I got there I barfed, I did not see that one coming. I decided in that moment that I wasn't going to say anything to him, because I was so embarrassed and it was near the beginning of our friendship and I didn't want to scare him. And I held out for a while, we went over to the nearby Smith's and bought some drinks, I picked up an orange Gatorade or something. But he asked me how my breathing was holding up when we got back to the house and I ended up telling him that I didn't know how I was doing because I threw up. And I told him that was why I bought myself a Gatorade, he looked at it and told me that sometimes red food dye can mess with people's stomachs so I shouldn't be drinking that one. Then instead of kicking me out or anything, he went down to his room and grabbed me a different Gatorade. It was honestly the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. And it really impressed me and I was incredibly intrigued by it. Now as I mentioned I was only looking for friends, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't begin to feel something more for him after this experience. In the beginning I didn't let my fear swallow my words and I was open and honest about everything. 

It was about this time that I realized that there were struggles from my past that I have never fully dealt with. And I decided that I needed more help than I was allowing myself to get. So, I decided to go to therapy and I did, but I never felt like I truly allowed myself to open up like I initially intended. I lied about my progress to myself and my therapist because my demons started falling back asleep. My therapist and I decided that for now I would be okay on my own and that I didn't need to continue my sessions, I agreed because I was sick of needing to go. I thought I was fine because my monsters were dormant, at least for a while. But because I didn't take care of them properly, they began to resurface again and that girl that was allowing her self to be vulnerable started to doubt and to let fear again take control. When I let the fear take over and I start to build walls, I become quiet, anxious, depressed, and irritable. Any little doubt can become a full blown panic attack. I feel like when I'm in these modes I forget what it's like to be a normal person and a normal friend. I begin to be jealous and insecure about the other persons friendships and the things that they are saying to me. But it was because I was associating past memories with current circumstances. I began to label the man that I was learning about and loving, like all the other boys in my past. Just because they hurt me, took advantage of me, and left me on the corner alone and broken, I was scared that it would happen again. I forgot that he was different, I knew he actually cared but I wasn't allowing that memory to be at the forefront of my brain. Before my demons reawakened I was asked to be his wife and I was so excited for this, but then I started losing myself again. When I lost myself I started losing him, or at least that's what I see now. 

Fear has been the cause of all my troubles. I am no longer engaged, and it hurts so much. But I'm learning to understand that I can improve myself. I did something really scary today. I admitted to myself that I can't do it on my own, not only am I choosing to go back to therapy but I went to the doctor today to talk about the darkness that I've been feeling inside me, and the hopelessness that has stemmed from it. I feel I am taking the steps necessary to improve myself and get prepared better for marriage and supporting a family. It was hard because, while I've always been an advocate for other people getting help and taking medicine to help with their burdens, if necessary, I've never wanted to be the one to get on medications. Often when you go into the doctor for check ups or routine physicals they give you a questionnaire to check on your mental stability, I feel like I have always lied on these, so today's self introspection and reaching out was a big thing for me, I strove so hard to tell the truth and to get the help that I need. As I was sitting in the waiting room, my breath was short, and my hands were shaking and I was fighting back tears, it proved to me to a degree that I really needed the help. And it's okay to need that help, that's what I just need to keep telling myself.

Now I know that I have depression and anxiety, before I always figured that I did because a lot of my family had it, and I felt like I exhibited some of the same signs. I wanted to believe that I was stronger than it, better on my own. Having this thought has caused me a lot of unnecessary pain. I think we all do things that don't necessarily help us out appropriately. I was scared to be diagnosed because I feel like there was a negative stigma, and while I supported and loved my friends that also struggle with anxiety and depression, I didn't want to be labeled. But in reality, I am not my problems. Life can't be all rainbows and butterflies, but there are steps that we can take to assure that it is more rainbows and butterflies than spiders and heights. FDR said that the "only thing we have to fear is fear itself." I think its true, fear makes us do things we never imagined that we could or would do. It's broken a big part of my life, and all I can do is take steps to remedy it. 

As I was writing this post I thought of a song by Disturbed called "Reason to Fight." The chorus was really speaking to me because it says,

 "I won't give up, so don't give in

You've fallen down, but you can rise again

So don't give up

When the demon that's inside you is ready to begin

And it feels like it's a battle that you will never win

When you're aching for the fire and begging for your sin

When there's nothing left inside, there's still a reason to fight" 

When I first heard this song, I thought a lot about how I just want to be someone's reason to fight and that no matter what is going on I want to be there to love and support people. Specifically my best friend. But really anyone, I only recently started to think of it in terms of my own depression and fear. The band said it so beautifully and eloquently on their website. They said,

"Our world is plagued by an epidemic. By a disease that shows no mercy. The demons known as addiction and depression are very real, and they have claimed far too many of those we love, far sooner than they should have left us. Those still with us, are fighting a battle they wage every day of their lives, Keeping those DEMONS at bay. It's up to us to show them that they aren't alone, that they have nothing to be ashamed of, that we understand, and that we will fight with them, and for them. For those you know, who are waging this internal war, the time to be a TRUE friend and advocate, and to INTERVENE, is now. To hesitate, is to lose a chance to save them you may never get again."

It's okay to struggle. I needed to realize that. I hope that I can continue to improve and feel strength. I want to be vulnerable again and let my friend back in appropriately, and leave down the walls that want to block him and others out. As long as I start to push aside the fear I can ultimately be okay. We all can be okay if we take our fear by the horns and force it into submission. I know that I can't change the past, but I can talk it out and I can come to grips with it, and truly trust those that want what's good for me. I promise to put my faith in God, and know that whatever comes my way can be overcome through perseverance. I know that everything will turn out alright. And I want you to know that I am always willing to fight for you. Anyone, I won't give up on you. Ever.

"Are you ready to begin?
This is a battle that we are gonna win" 

Revisiting 30 Days of Me: Unlucky Day 13

As you can obviously tell it's been a really long time since I have written on my blog. Honestly I kinda got stuck on day 13 because it told me to share/write a letter to someone that had recently hurt me and I didn't, at the time, have anyone to write the letter to. I'm going to take this in a little bit of a different direction than most people would think or choose. I'm going to write this letter to myself.

Dear Lolovivi,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been needlessly holding on to mistakes of the past. Because of this hoarding of past pain you have caused yourself to push many people away and out of your life. This self destructive behavior needs to stop. Not only does it hurt you but it hurts those around you that are trying to care for you and love you.

For the past 10 years you have struggled with the need to be loved by somebody else that you never truly found time to love yourself. The "love" that you did find has caused your brain to malfunction, it makes you wonder if "Love" really can exist... You constantly have worried that you are not good enough, pretty enough, talented enough or loved enough that you eventually end up being what you fear, alone.

If there is one thing I want you to know, it's that you need to stop lying to yourself. Lying to yourself leads to lying to others about your secret desires. And heaven forbid, lying about the love that you have in your heart. You spend so much of your life acting like a hater that people start to believe that's what you are. You don't need to be tough for the world. It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to love and it's okay to let people into your heart, because when you don't, they stop trying.

I want you to know that  you certainly don't have to do it alone. Now I know you never wanted the stigma of needing anyone's help but it's okay to need help. You wouldn't expect yourself to stop yourself from drowning when you don't even know how to swim. There are life guards on duty for a reason. Just like you need a life guard at the pool, you need a life guard for your mind. Everything that you've kept in has been weighing you down and slowly the water is coming up over your head and you need to be willing to let go.

Letting go... I know that's something that has been hard for you. You recently let go of something that you were convinced you'd never release. But letting go is different than giving up, giving up is an end, letting go is a new beginning. Right now you feel as if that new beginning is too late. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

You've truly hurt me, Lolovivi. My heart hurts and yearns for love that was lost, but mostly it yearns for a love that is seldom there. You need to love yourself. But as much as you've hurt me recently, I am so proud of you. I'm proud of the steps you're taking, the journey you're starting and hopefully by the end you'll be able to find what you're looking for. You don't need to fill the void with others, you need to fill the void yourself.

Realizations hurt. There have been times when you were told to pray and you didn't, you left God out of the most important things in your life. You pointlessly held on to your denial that the most precious thing to you shattered. Unfortunately you were too caught up in holding on to other objects that you didn't realize what you had.

Now is the time to turn yourself over to God. To let him heal you. One of my favorite quotes you heard on the mission was, "God wants to be able to heal your broken heart, but first you must be willing to give him all of the pieces." Stop giving him 90% of the pain and hand him the other 10% so that he truly can put you back together.

You really need to stop hurting yourself like you have. Only then will you truly be happy, only then will you really be whole, and hopefully someday you will. I care for you, I want to help you heal.  Right now I can't tell you that I love you, but someday I will. I'm not eloquent with my words and I apologize for the jumbled mess. I pray that you'll remember what your name means.

Lolovivi: there is always love. "For God is Love" You are never truly alone, God is on your side and He loves you more than you can even comprehend. We could learn a thing or two from Him.

With Sincere Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow,

Me

30 Days of Me: I'm really bad at this...

I've officially given up writing every day. (Which is probably super noticeable since... I should be done with my 30 days by now...) But eventually I'll get through these 30 prompts. It just might take me some time.

Day 10: Songs you listen to when you're Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, and Mad

Okay so this one is really hard for me because all of my music for me is mixed together. For some people listening to music can help change their mood or influence their mood. For me... well... It all makes me happy to an extent. I just love listening to music. Sometimes I wonder if I have feelings at all.

I like to listen to Adele, Anberlin, Rise Against, Avenged Sevenfold, Jason Mraz, ED SHEERAN, movie music, etc. I can't list everything. Often times I'm more of a songs person than an artist person, I believe that all artists can have good songs and all artists can have bad songs so I pick and I choose. I don't have go to playlists like some people. I wonder what it would be like to be that way. Sometimes I just love to be drowned in the guitar and drums. I'm a very easy to please.

So in all... I can just say that I love music. And if you have any suggestions for me, let me know! :)

Day 11: Another Picture of You and Your Friends....

Well shoot! That one is even harder! I don't have too many friends right now and the ones I do have I don't have pictures with currently. I'll have to go for like a super old picture or multiple pictures!

this picture is super out of date but I'm still friends with most of these people.

The benefits(?) of serving a mission- You lose all your friends. Just kidding life just keeps moving and sometimes you aren't in on it anymore and that is perfectly normal. I have no recent photos so you can judge me all you want that's fine by me. :P But yeah my friends are babes.

Day 12: How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

To heck if I remember. That was literally so many moons ago. I probably had a friend that had one or something and I was like hey I like to write why not. Its great stress relief but that is my very lame answer. You're welcome.

Well... I think that's enough pretending I'm good at this for today. I'll see you again the next time I decide it's a good idea to put a little piece of my soul onto the internet. 

Oh... Bother

It's official I think I have to be fired from my own blog... haha I am not very good at this writing every day thing. Anyway... Lets play catch up... Again... FREAKING AGAIN?!?!

Okay
Day 7: A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you





For this one I couldn't just pick one person or place so I decided to go with my parents. I know its pretty cheesy but that's okay. If anyone had a big impact on the way that I am it was and is my parents. I like to tell people that between my mom and my papi my humor is just shot. I get most of it from my mom who gets it from her dad. But that doesn't mean I'm funny. As for the nerdiness that almost literally eminates from me... That's all from my dad. In the picture I'm using it was on my dad's 50th birthday when I bought him a Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Encyclopedia to which his automatic response was to sit down my 3 or 4 year old brother and start teaching him about Doctor Who. Our deep family discussions often include super heroes and comic books as well as Star Trek and just about anything else you can think of.

I love my parents very much and I love the influence they have had on me whether that be in my humor, my religion or my nerdiness, they have always been such good examples to me of love, dedication and service. They support me in basically everything I do and I love them so much for that.

Day 8: Short Term Goals for this month

Well I didn't start at the beginning of a month I'm kinda in the middle of the month but a few of the ones that I did have for August were obtain a car and Start school. Both of which have been accomplished. I think I'll set some short term goals for September. I would like to be able to do all of my homework and study well. I think that For September I'd like to try to make more friends and be slightly more social. But I can't think of any other short term goals... I think I need to re-learn how to set goals... haha I'll do that and then come back to it.

Day 9: Something you're proud of in the last few days

oh boy this is a hard one... How many days are few days? haha well I did just get a car and I feel like that is a very big accomplishment for myself. I still sometimes have difficulties believing that I actually own a car. Its awesome!! :) but that was like a week ago... almost two so... Hmmm the past few days... Well I've noticed that since my mission I've been able to talk to people easier. It's literally insane to me. I had a full conversation today with a boy I randomly happened to walk near on campus and it was a pretty decent one. I never would have done that as easily before. So big pat on the back for me! haha Yay! other than that I think its an awesome accomplishment that I'm still alive! That's always a miracle. :)

Alright now I just have to write todays post and I'm officially caught up. Man I'm bad at this. And to those of you reading if there are any... I'm sorry I'm the worst. I am a disgrace to the Ravenclaw house... :/ that is all

till later today...

30 Days of Me: Day 6

Favorite Super Hero and Why?

Anyone that knows me well knows that this question isn't worth asking. Haha Spiderman is my favorite super hero hands down. I've been in love with him since I was like 12 or something like that. So once upon a time my sister was doing marching band her freshman year in high school and my family was going to her very first ever parade and as we were walking to find a good spot to sit and have a good view there was a comic book store and outside of this comic book store on this particular day was a man dressed up as Spiderman handing out free Spiderman comic books. To my 12 year old mind this man was Spiderman and he was even signing the outside plastic as if he were Spidey himself. I didn't see him as a man in a costume he was the REAL Spiderman. I never realized it at the time but I think that is also part of the reason I got into Cosplay because he made such a huge impact on me. So the main reason that Spiderman is my favorite super hero is because He gave me my very first comic book. There's no going back from that. At any given time standing in my room with only moving your head you can typically see at least 8 things spiderman. and the Living room which I'm currently sitting in I look around and see at least 4 things spiderman all of which belong to me. You could say I have a bit of a problem but you know what I'm okay with that. Spiderman is my hero and I love him forever.
So many people find out that I love spiderman and they ask "So... Tobey McGuire or Andrew Garfield (and now) or Tom Holland" and my response is always "Uh... SPIDERMAN!" I don't care who plays him or how he's portrayed I love him. There are definitely things I love about each of their takes and there are definitely things I don't like about each of them, but the one thing they have in common is that they played my super hero on the big screen and I love it! :P so yeah that's me. A small look into my mind. Viva el Spiderman!